An Offer Not To Be Missed

By: Corwin Posted on: September 28, 2004

Corwin's Sapience Holidays presents…… Sun, Sand and Slaves - A Week in the Land That Tide Forgot.

So, are you fed up of rain and mountains? Tired of not being able to see in the blizzards? If so, Corwin Sapience Holidays has the very place for you. Enjoy the sun, sun, sun, in a location with miles of beautiful beaches - whether the tide is in or out!

El'Jazira

Spend a week (or two) in this amethyst jewel within a setting of gold. Relax with a relatively cool refreshing drink, or wander its quaint maze of walkways - we have just the place to take away the troubles and cares of a busy life in this paradise for the marquee-o-phile. Largely undiscovered by the tourist industry (and who can blame them), you can be assured of a peaceful and satisfying break - but book early!

Byways and Highways

On the first day of your mystery tour, we remove the blindfolds (which you may keep as a gift of the company) to the sight of shaded groves and cool sparkling water. As we arrive in the mid-afternoon, we will be taking a few hours to relax in the cover of verdant fronds, caressing breezes and the gentle sounds of the local women about their business. Those of you preferring to stay awake in this period are advised to don the blindfolds, as persistent staring at the sun-jewelled waters has been known to cause ocular dysfunction.

As the sun's golden orb dims to red, we travel on to your designated dwellings. Do not be discouraged by the apparent similarity in your individual lilac chalets. The Corwin Sapience Holiday company will have sewn coloured ribbons to the entrances, which will match the trim to your blindfolds. For this reason we strongly suggest that you return before night's curtains are drawn (as they say in these parts), or else make full use of our "Welcome Holidaymakers" evening buffet to make (good) friends with all of your fellow travellers.

Day Two is left for you to have a long sleep in, and acclimatise to the smells and sounds of this pearl in an amber ocean, and to those of your fellow travellers. Your welcome pack will include a quill, ink and parchment and we suggest that you spend the morning mapping the location of your chalet. Those of you wishing to be absolutely sure may purchase from a selection of animal skulls to place outside your chalet entrance - but co-ordinate this with your neighbours to avoid unfortuitous duplication. Take the chance to visit the local potter – an ancient and venerable savant whose garrulousness is matched only by the quality of his wares.

On Day Three, we have tours of the muscles and sinews of this anthill of commerce. We will visit the Steel Mill and Blacksmith's where sweat grimed men display their skills and their muscles for your delight. We would warn anyone taking the tour that hot metal is dangerous and we cannot be held responsible for damage or injury caused to members of the tour, especially those choosing to continue wearing their complimentary blindfolds.

In the afternoon, we will visit the leather works, and various small shops, and see a demonstration of how hide can be turned into fine articles of clothing and decorative items. You will have an opportunity to ask questions and bargain hunt for that special present, or reminder of your week in the sun.

On Day Four, we navigate the warrens of the market quarter, marvelling at the diversity of wares on offer, from leather belts to leather wallets, all the way to leather backpacks. There is an optional guided tour in the afternoon, where we search for any fellow members who have failed to return to their chalets. Those collecting the greatest number of "lost sheep" will be awarded with a leather item of local manufacture (all prizes at the discretion of your Tour Guide).

Day Five is spent at the local petting stables where you will have an opportunity to ride the waves on board the ship of the sea. The local phlegm projecting beasts of burden are a sight not to be missed, and their humorous antics are sure to be a high point of your entire trip. You will also be introduced to the great desert horses - sable engines of the night given shape and form by the leather-skinned nomads of the region. (Please note that the nomads are not literally leather skinned and that all goods purchased will have been made from animal stock).

Corwin Holiday Tours recommends that you pack a spare change of clothes for this part of the tour.

Day Six is spent largely at leisure, and tending any wounds received yesterday. For those of you unable to tend to yourselves, assistants may be purchased at a reasonable range of prices, and to suit every taste - from ogre-muscled and stern faced ganissary to dusky and delightful houri.

Travellers wishing a reminder of their visit, and who have not suffered permanent scarring, may commission their Tour Guide to produce a personalised account of their voyage of sub-tropical discovery.

In the evening we are invited to the home of the leader of the local community, where a buffet selection of local comestibles will be provided. Male members of the tour are warned not to attempt access to the harem, as this can have unfortunate consequences to those male members.

We leave early in the morning on Day Seven, stopping briefly to fill our waterskins in harmonious and gardened surroundings, before continuing back to Cyrene, where your tour will end. Your Tour Guide will be pleased to direct non-citizens to local attractions, shops, or places where you can simply relax with a glass of ale, before continuing your journey home.

Food and Drink

From the fiery to the odiferous, from citrus as sharp as a rapier to sun-blessed spice, there is a true panorama of Epicurean delights. Beef lovers should go for the soltani, or tongue-tingling dolmeh. The vegetarian torshi is a dish of delights, but only for the experienced man-about-Sapience, as its lip-shrivelling juices have surprised many of our customers. Our personal favourite must be the shawarma for its sheer unadulterated fat factor!

For those of you wishing to party into the wee small hours, the local Kawhe (or Kahweh) will prop open those weary eyelids and keep those feet jumping like a Jarbo - or a sparkling sherbet will have you popping and fizzing like a Jester in a bathtub.

Your friends may tell you that Kawhe has the consistency of an overused cesspool. Although an acquired taste, you will find that this is certainly not true and by the end of your holiday we assure you that you will know exactly what an overused cesspool looks like.

Caution: We strongly suggest that all water is boiled before consumption, or taken from the oasis at a point reasonably distant from the washerwomen.

People

The local population are very friendly on the whole, and will be more than happy to assist, although it is customary to show appreciation by the handing over of a gift - especially when it is the shape and colour of the sun, which is so important a part of these people's lives.

The large and imposing guards, who often appear as solid and immovable as the gargoyles on some of our more familiar buildings, may seem less helpful, but remember that they have a job to do, as do the many slaves wending their hurried way between the tent-poles and carpets of the bazaar.

Animals and the Desert

Although we encourage you to find your way around the mysteries and alleyways of the resort, journeys into the desert are at the traveller's own risk. A broad selection of fauna inhabit these arid wastes and - while most are shy of strangers - they can be a shock to the unwary.

For those intrepid explorers, we offer the following advice:

- When hunting lizards, make sure you strike the gecko and not the monitor who has just wandered by.

- Hyena are the large strange looking creatures that have a diabolical laugh when they feed on your limbs. Foxes are smaller and somewhat foxier.

- For those of you who are hardened rat-slayers, the local rodents are small, cute and furry - and pack a kick like a Moghedu mule. They may also perform the same hit-and-run tactics on you as some of our heroic customers perform on their quarry.

Also be warned that the desert is a vast featureless trap for the unwary. Corwin Sapience Holidays can take no responsibility for any loss of enjoyment due to aimless wandering in the trackless arid waste.

Staying That Little Bit Longer

If you wish to take a second week at your leisure, this is available for half price, to be paid at the start of your holiday.

"I loved it so much I don't want to leave". For those of you who fall for this land of sun and sand, there are many opportunities for work, albeit mostly for men. Be advised, also, that the position of harem eunuch is not only strictly male, but will require a small donation from applicants to this prestigious post.

Well - we hope you will enjoy your Corwin Sapience Holiday and will travel again with us next year for our "Places Where the Sun Don't Shine" extravaganza.

Corwin (on behalf of CSH & Co Ltd, in receivership)