When shall we four meet....

By: Corwin Posted on: October 20, 2004

When Shall We Four Meet Again?

A short interlude

[Scene: A barren moor, the horizon only broken by a lightning blasted tree and a small ring of pitted and mossed stones before it. The wind sweeps over the scene, eerily moaning, while the rumble of thunder can be heard in the distance. Dark clouds sweep in from the East and… well, you get the idea.]

[A man, hunched and bent against the wind, enters from the West. If we wished to preserve his anonymity, we might call him J or j. As we don't care, we'll call him Jorj.]

[The man finds a stone, barely sheltered from the wind and sits, waiting. After a short while, three figures enter and arrange themselves on the remaining stones. One stone remains unoccupied.]

Jorj: "Right, thun. Roll-call. Hakhim?"

[A wild eyed man in tattered clothes nods his head. Two twigs and something green and wriggly fall to the floor.]

Jorj: "Ratman?"

[A dirty and unkempt man, in patched clothes, coughs harshly.]

Ratman: "Hrgghh. Here!"

Jorj: "Liirup?"

[A small bearded woman raises her hand.]

Liirup: "I'm here dear."

Jorj: "Maric sends 'is apologies. Prezzure of work. Ag'in."

[Jorj shuffles some papers. One blows away in the wind.]

Jorj: "Welcome to this munf's gathering of the City Rodent And Pest Prevention Society. It's me ‘onor to announce this is the fiftieth CRAPPS we've ‘ad."

[Muffled murmurs of approval from all present.]

Jorj: "Right, fust order ov business. I fought we ought to ‘ave a count of ‘ow many rats we've taken. ‘Ow many in the last munf? I got firty-one fousand, two hunnderd and sixty."

Ratman: "I got twenty-nine, four seven two."

Hakhim [giggling]: "Oh, just thirty-four thousand, eight hundred and nine."

Liirup: "Well, done my dears." [Proud smile] "I've counted forty-three."

Jorj [with undisguised approval]: "What! Forty-free fousand rats!"

Liirup: "No, silly, forty-three. It's just that sometimes I eat them so fast that I forget to count."

Jorj: "Right… well… fanks for all that. Break for food, I fink."

[Jorj takes a bundle out of his pack and starts handing some small packages around.]

Jorj: "Right, ‘tis fish sandwiches we ‘ave. All on ‘olemeal!"

[Liirup holds up her hand, taking a not inconsiderably sized bundle from her own pack. Some tails and a hint of whisker can be seen edging out of the wrapping]

Liirup: "Not for me, my dear, brought my own." [smile] "Anyone like a quick rat?"

[Jorj visibly shrinks, while the Ratman and Hakhim provide a demonstration of synchronised spitting.]

Liirup: "Well please yourselves, all the more for me."

[Hakhim cranes his neck at Liirup.]

Hakhim: "How many of the little buggers do you have there?"

Liirup: "Only a few, dear, only a few."

Hakhim: "Wouldn't happen to be forty-three, would it?"

Liirup: "Don't be silly, dear,"

[Liirup swallows, hastily.]

Liirup: "It's forty-two."

[Everyone hands their sandwiches back to Jorj, who replaces them in his pack.]

Jorj: "Lut's move on. Any reports?"

Hakhim: "I think things are moving on apace. I'm sure someone brought me one of the ringleaders last week. I questioned it vigorously, but it was just too dead to give anything away. I'm sure that this will affect their plans, but it's too early to report how."

[Jorj coughs, his one good eye staring.]

Jorj: "Thank you bruvver Hakhim. Next?"

Ratman: "Naah. Not a thing. I just does my job."

[Liirup visibly swallows again.]

Liirup: "Well, this month's crop are definitely saltier. Preliminary research indicates a changing dietary pattern in citizens leading to altering sewer conditions. However, I am carrying out further work in this area."

[Ratman slides off his stone.]

Ratman [abashed]: "Sorry about that. I think I lost consciousness for a second"

[Ratman urges Jorj to continue.]

Jorj: "Wull, not much activity in the Courthouse. ‘Cept the youngsters seem to use it like some sort uv club. Popping in and out. Nevver so much as a ‘fank you, Mistur Jorj' or ‘sorry to trouble you, Mr Jorj'."

[Jorj trails off into incoherency, then suddenly starts, and rustles his papers again. Another sheet flies off into the night.]

Jorj [brisk and business-like]: "Right, time's pressin'. Lut's bring this to a close. Fank's for attending, and Liirup – we do ‘spect you to report more than forty-three next time."

Hakhim: "Forty-two"

Liirup [tittering and sucking something long and thin into her mouth]: "Thirty-eight, actually, dear."

[Jorj looks at his notes.]

Jorj: "Date uv the next meeting?"

[Silence.]

Jorj [wheezing]: "Same time next month?"

[Four heads nod as one, slowly and sedately.]

[The scene reduces in size as we move away. Over the high pitched whine of the wind, a plaintive voice can be heard.]

Plaintive Voice: "Are you sure no-one would like a quick rat??"