The Leading Lady

By: Margo Posted on: August 01, 2009

The Cyrenian play written and directed by Margo Maude, 'The Leading Lady', was performed on the 1st of Phaestian of year 513 in the city's own Theatre Prophasia. A record of that performance is scribed below.

---

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "Thank you all for coming!"

[ONSTAGE] Margo smiles to the audience.

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "In our play The Leading Lady, a portly playwright with a flamboyant nature gets into a bind when Raphella, played by myself, refuses to be the leading woman in his latest production!"

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "The playwright, played by Fitzwillem, must then get himself and his leading man, Phiririn, out of trouble with the Cyrenian Guard!"

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "Our true leading lady, Athine, plays the role of the knight who searches for the troubled playwright and his haughty companion!"

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "The story begins on the stage of this very theatre! Enjoy the show!"

ACT I

[ONSTAGE] Margo stands at the edge of the bare stage wearing sweeping, satin garb and aloof expression of the diva Raphella. Sweating, Fitzwillem stands not far from her.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem begs, "Darling, you know you're the only gal for this part. I wrote it just for you. I can see it now. You. Me. We'll make it big this time. This one is sure to be a hit, babydoll. It's going to be a smash. Everyone's going to know your name!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem's gluttonous figure is pooled around Raphella's feet as he grovels shamelessly on his knees. His face is contorted into a twisted visage of yearning and pleading, his eyes welling up with tears, his bottom lip trembling as he gazes up at the beautiful diva. He clings and paws at the woman's satin gown like a child hungry for his mother's attention.

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "Didn't you hear me say no the first time? I have been wasting my limitless talent on your garbage plays."

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "You told me the same thing the last two shows, and then what happened? Failure and then another failure. I could count on my fingers how many people were in the audience to see those masterpieces."

[ONSTAGE] Margo 's enormous bosom rapidly inflates as she seems to suck in all the air around her at the last word. She thrusts her well-powdered nose in the air and plants her fists firmly on her hips.

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "And what's more?! You want me to play a prostitute!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Darling, you sound incredulous."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem rises to his feet takes a few steps away from the fuming diva, perhaps to hide the broad grin plastered on his plump face.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "And for the last time, she is not just a prostitute. She becomes a wife. A mother. Something more than just a victim of society. No doubt you have played much less wholesome characters in your day."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "On stage and off."

[ONSTAGE] Margo snaps a vicious look of loathing at the playwright before marching to the side of him, her snarling face nearly touching his.

[ONSTAGE] Margo shrieks, "What did you say?!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Raphella, please. I beg of you. You're the only one who can give this character the fire she needs, the right chip on her shoulder."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem kneels before the diva as he takes her hand, looking up at her with utmost adoration. Eyes sparkle and lashes flutter in a hopefully enticing manner as he continues to stare at her, pausing for a moment before continuing.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Please say yes."

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "Emelio! This man is bothering me!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Come now, dumpling. You don't have to do that."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem laughs, hand reaching up to tug on his collar anxiously.

[ONSTAGE] Margo shouts, "EMELIO! Come here! Now!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "I mean, really, what are you going to do? Call the guard on me?"

[ONSTAGE] Margo shouts, "Help! Help!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "I'll take that as a maybe for the part. Send me a dove the second you decide, sweet pea! Toodle-loo!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem abruptly spins on his heels and scampers off stage awkwardly as the curtain closes on the smirking Raphella.

ACT II

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem runs onto the stage, which is now decorated to resemble Tensmis Road outside the Ram's Horn Bar with his chest heaving, sweat pouring from his from his face. He nearly tumbles over a very attractive man who stands admiring his own reflection in his hand mirror. Stroking his blonde locks, he barely notices the chubby man doubled over and fighting for breath at his knees.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "What's the rush? Shaddya doesn't close up shop for another few hours."

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn laughs and pats the frantic man's back with a heavy hand, nearly making the man topple forward.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem gasps, "You idiot."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem inhales deeply, the top of his bald head barely reaching the other man's shoulder. He looks around in search of any sign of the guard coming his way.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Raphella refused the part of the leading lady. And with you the leading man, we will be out of work for months, I assure you. We have the theatre rented, the costumes made and fitted. It will take me years upon years to repay them! There's no way we can find a leading lady by next month!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem looks in disgust at the attractive man as he continues to run his strong hand through his hair.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn catches a glimpse of the utter look of repulsion in the mirror from the playwright.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn asks, "Umm, did you want something?"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "As many women as you have dated, are there none who might be even remotely qualified for this part?"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "There's only one role those women are qualified for...but given the character, they might fit in just fine."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "You pig."

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn finally breaks away from the loving gaze with himself in the mirror and raises a shapely eyebrow to the short man standing next to him.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "Why were you in such a hurry anyway?"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem looks about the street and leans in close to the actor, his eyes still shifting about.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem whispers, "Raphella called the guard after me! I'm a criminal! An outlaw! It's an outrage. After all I've done for that woman. Why I've, I've..."

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn nonchalantly steps away from Playwright, folds his arms behind his back and whistles as he looks up at the sky.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem peers at the actor, looking much more nauseated than curious.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "What are you doing?"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "Making sure the arrows don't hit me on their way down."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem shrieks, "This is serious! And what's more, you will be arrested right along with me! Guilty by association!"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn shouts, "I'm no criminal! Besides, I'm too good-looking to go to jail!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem shouts, "And I loathe you far too much to share a cell with you!"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn shrieks, "Hurry! You've got to do something!"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn begins to weep and clings to the playwright, who is sobbing hysterically. Tears and snot run freely down the faces of the grown men. Hearing the heavy footsteps of a guard in armour, they frantically wipe away the evidence of their emotions.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem whispers, "Maybe he won't recognize us."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem's eyes bulge and his mouth stretches as far as it is able as he smiles broadly at the very small guard who trots up to the men in oversized armour and a helm that looks as though it greatly impairs vision.

[ONSTAGE] Athine stops in front of the two men and looks slightly to the left of where they actually are.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "Good Jera."

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "I have been told to be on the lookout for a portly man with a flamboyant nature and I heard a couple women sobbing around here so I came right away. Have you gentlemen seen them?"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem shoots a worried glance at the actor.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "I - uh, no. Haven't seen anything, sir."

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "That's ma'am to you."

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn's cheeks inflate like two balloons as he attempts to hold back his laughter. The corner of the playwright's mouth twitches uncontrollably until the two burst with laughter, spit flying into the guard's oversized helmet. The actor slaps his knee in unison with the playwright's mocking guffaws.

[ONSTAGE] Athine intones, "What's so funny?"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn musters enough strength to contain his laughter. The playwright is nearly on his knees with his manical chortling.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "A woman? You're a woman in the guard?"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn wipes tears from his eyes.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "You must be confused!"

[ONSTAGE] Athine puts her hands on her hips and glares indignantly at the two mocking figures she can barely see.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "It is not I who is confused! I'll have you know that I am not the only woman in the guard, pal. There are plenty of women in the guard! And every single one of those plenty could give any man a run for his sovereigns!"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem glances up at the actor. They both stare blankly at one another before launching into another fit of laughter.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "I bet neither of you could hold a sword to a rat without trembling! My whole life my parents taught me the way to --"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Do a man's work?"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem smirks down at the woman guard as she shakes audibly with anger, her iron suit rattling.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "Why wouldn't you consider being a homemaker, maybe even a seamstress, or even an --"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem takes on a serious look of sudden comprehension and turns to the actor with excitement to see that he shares the same expression on his handsome features.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "An actress."

[ONSTAGE] Athine loses some of the anger as she is disarmed by the playwright's newfound gentle tone.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "I believe I could pursue those while being guardswoman just as well."

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem grins at the resolute tone the guardswoman takes on and fights back a chuckle, the corner of his mouth twitching.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem says, "It just so happens that I am putting on a show in a month's time and I have an opening for a leading lady. Why, with your determination you could have the script memorized in a couple days!"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn says, "Yes, just follow my lead and I can immerse you right into that role."

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn fights to keep his unguarded smile as the playwright delivers a swift and discreet blow to the stomach with his elbow.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "Really? Well gee fellas, that sounds like a great offer!"

[ONSTAGE] Athine smiles broadly as she grabs the steel edges of her obstructing helm and removes it from her head. As she gains full view of the men she has been speaking to, their smiles seem to have vanished and given way to a look of utter fright.

[ONSTAGE] Athine says, "You two look like you've seen a gho--"

[ONSTAGE] Athine studies the portly man more closely. Her smile disappears. In one swift movement, she removes her long sword from its sheath and points it directly at the playwright's throat.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem asks, "Dumpling -- whatever is this for?"

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem slowly backs away, his voice full of feigned innocence.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn shrieks, "He is guilty! It was all him!"

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn keeps his mirror firmly gripped in hand as he scampers off stage.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem takes full advantage of the guard's distraction as he follows the actor full speed to escape.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem shouts, "You will never take me alive!".

[ONSTAGE] Maestro Lucciano makes a sweeping motion with his baton and a single whimsical flute whistles throughout the theatre. A thundering drum booms suddenly, the two opposite sounds mingle to create a whimsical melody as the actors charge across the forestage.

[ONSTAGE] Athine brandishes her sword and grunts in frustration as she follows close behind the two men, disappearing behind the curtain as it closes.

[ONSTAGE] Maestro Lucciano lowers his baton and the booming tune becomes softer and softer until the notes fade. The maestro turns to the crowd and bows.

[ONSTAGE] Margo bows to the audience.

[ONSTAGE] Fitzwillem bows to the audience.

[ONSTAGE] Phiririn bows to the audience.

[ONSTAGE] Athine bows to the audience.

[ONSTAGE] Margo says, "Thank you, everyone who came to see the show!"