Dear Journal

By: Kisharo Posted on: June 30, 2015

Dear journal,

At the start of a new year and Kalina’s seventh birthday on the way, I thought now was a good time to start a journal. I can’t believe it; she is almost seven years of age. I remember when she was born; Anathi and I took her to Lake Muurn. Wasn’t too hard to get to from Cyrene, of course. But I remember it so well. Although Kalina couldn’t do much like all infants her age, her just being there made me happy. My beautiful wife and I would eat and drink at the shore, watching our child innocently smile, untouched by the hardships of this world; I can’t think of when I was more content.

I plan to go back to the Lake again for her seventh. Anathi has gone to the market district to find some treats for our day tomorrow. Oh how Kalina will be thrilled! I can’t wait until tomorrow, it will truly be special.

Sarapin 12th, 684 AF.

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Dear journal,

I haven’t made any entries for a few days. Kalina died; she drowned. On her seventh birthday my baby girl drowned. I tried to write this sooner, but every time I open this life forsaken book I read my first entry. I cry each time.

I am handling this tragedy better than Anathi, however. She has closed herself off, not leaving our house for any reason, not even to go to our baby’s grave. I know she blames me for it, I can see it in her eyes. If she had the energy I would see a glint of hatred when she looks at me, instead I just see a dread and suffering.

I suppose it is my fault, really. I am her father and I let her explore by herself, a little girl. When I came to check on her, she was nowhere to be found. Deep inside I feared the worst, but as the minutes of frantic panic turned to hours, that fear surfaced. I still hoped that she was playing and got a little lost, several city mates came down to help us, guards searching the surrounding area… some searching the lake itself. Just before the sun went down, I remember a citizen came up to me, I remember how people stopped their actions to look at us converse and most of all, I remember the look on her face, that look of deep regret. I knew they found her, they found Kalina. I knew from her features that she in fact was not playing somewhere in the area, that she was not lost.

Without a word being spoken, Anathi broke into tears. I wanted to stay strong for her, I tried so hard to hold back my tears, but when I saw her… my little girl, I also broke down. Her lifeless body, snowy white from the icy waters that came each Sarapin winter.

Kalina, I am so sorry.

Sarapin 24th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

It’s been a month since we lost Kalina, I decided to go back to working at the Imperial Library. Those who knew me or were there on that wretched day spoke to me, said they are sorry for my loss. It didn’t help, trying to work and being constantly reminded of ‘my loss’.

As the long, brutal day came to an end, a dove found its way to me and deposited a letter in my hand; I opened it immediately. It simply read,

IT’S OKAY.

What does this mean? Does all of Cyrene think this is my fault? Well fuck this city. I threw away the letter within moments of reading it. I don’t think I can live here anymore.

Daedalan 13th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

It didn’t take much convincing. Anathi and I will be moving far away from this disconcerting city. We have little possessions to pack and bring with us, but we need to get away from here. We will be living in Hashan, I suspect I can find work at the Academy of Hashan, perhaps make something of my life… perhaps we both can make something of our lives.

This is the day before we set off and yet another white dove silently glides to me, carrying another letter from who I suspect is the same individual.

DON’T LEAVE ME.

Don’t leave me? Who is this, and why are they sending us these letters? We have not told many people of our departure. It’s of no concern, soon we will be free of this, soon we will live in Hashan and soon we will have our new lives.

I am going to put this journal in a box with the rest of Kalina’s things, I don’t know if I will ever have the strength to open this box after today.

Aeguary 6th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

I came across this small little box with Kalina’s things and this journal, this time I smiled when I read the first entry, I smiled because I remembered that happiest memory of my life. And then I wept, for the happiest memory of my life can never be again, for I forgot she was dead.

Life is good here in Hashan; I wish she was here to enjoy it with us. Anathi is doing much better. As expected, I have gotten a job at the academy. Hashan is a city filled with knowledge, perhaps smaller than Cyrene, but that is far from a bad thing.

I really feel like we have a shot of a good life here.

Scarlatan 15th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

I came back home today to find my fragile Anathi crying, that’s when I saw the letter. Another letter? Why won’t they leave us alone?

MUMMY, I’M SCARED.

How sick. Someone in Cyrene has sent this letter. To punish us? Because they think it’s our fault? Why do this, why won’t they let us be at peace with this? We were starting to enjoy it here in Hashan, learning, growing in knowledge. When I read it I can imagine her voice, so innocent and sweet. I need to stop imagining her voice, it’s destroying me.

I don’t know what to do from here; I don’t know who to speak to. Here in Hashan we are alone with our suffering, not even Anathi and I speak to each other about it. We will just have to continue, not let this drag us down.

Scarlatan 23th, 684 AF.

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Dear journal,

It’s only been about a week since the last letter. A new one came today. When I saw the dove glide towards me, I was begging it was just a message from an old friend in Cyrene or even better, nothing to do with me. But my fears were confirmed; the dove dropped another letter in front of my feet as I failed to catch it. I hesitantly knelt down to pick it up and read its content. What did that perverted man or woman want to do to me now?

I’M COLD, DADDY.

My heart sank. A feeling of utter dejection flooded my emotions. I suppose that’s how she must have felt, scared and cold. Knowing that these letters are reminding us of how she must have felt when she fell in that freezing lake.

I admit. I considered throwing away the letter, so Anathi wouldn’t see it. But I didn’t want to hurt alone… I couldn’t, it’s all too much. When I showed her the letter she collapsed into tears and withdrew into depression; as expected. But it was the right thing to do, right?

Ero 6th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

We don’t know anymore. We don’t know why anyone would want to torture us like this. Anathi and I sat down to talk about it. At one point the discussion lead to the possibility that it might actually be her, it might be Kalina. But that’s idiotic; children can’t send messenger doves, let alone dead ones. But Anathi always kept the idea in the back of her mind. I could see it unnerved her, that it could in fact be our little girl, that she was really scared and cold.

To put her mind at ease, we went to seek the assistance of a Shaman, of which the city of darkness is in no short supply. The man we went to see was middle aged, not particularly wealthy judging by his home and yet he had an aura of mystery. I am fully aware of the powers of a shaman, but I have my doubts that my deceased little girl is sending them letters. No, I was quite sure it is some sick joke someone is playing back in Cyrene. The man sat down on the ground with crossed his legs, after a while he started to speak to us. ‘I’m so alone’, he would say, over and over again.

At this point I thought it was a waste of my time, of course the dead would be alone. Then he stopped saying ‘alone’. ‘I’m scared’, he repeated in its place.

This caught my attention; it was just like the letters. Anathi started to silently whimper as tears rolled down her face. But this meant nothing, he could just be saying these things, it could still be a scam, I am pleading for this to be a scam. A lonely child would be scared, I reasoned. He spoke again. ‘I’m cold, daddy.’

It sent chills down my spine; it was exactly like the letter. The shaman did not know the cause of her death, he did not know about the cold lake. My breathing deepened and my heart raced as my wife burst out into tears.

Ero 10th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

This is getting too much, what if it is her? We are getting letters almost every day now. I know you will never read this, Kalina, but I am sorry. I should have been there for you. You were too young to play by yourself near the lake… and now you’re gone.

I can’t bear the thought of you out there. How alone and scared you must feel. It eats at me, my sanity. I spend the days and nights thinking about you, how I could have saved you. I am no longer with the academy; I wasn’t able to focus.

Kalina, my little girl, find peace.

Valnuary 18th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

She was watching me. I saw her, I saw Kalina. I woke to the sound of dripping. I saw Kalina looking at me, for the first few moments of that day I forgot she was dead. She just stood there with a sad expression on her features. I figured she had a bad dream and the dripping was from her crying, but as I got drawn back to the reality of my dead daughter, I realized that water was dripping from her clothes and hair. Her skin was snowy and wet. I was paralyzed in fear as our eyes met. Interrupted when I went to say, ‘Kali-‘

She bursts out into a deafening scream fuelled with fear. Anathi woke up to this and saw Kalina. She abruptly ran out into the hallway at which point I jumped up from my bed and attempted to follow. She was nowhere to be seen when I went through the doorway.

As I walked back to check on Anathi, I noticed the wooden floors were soaked. As much as I wanted it to be, this was no dream, it felt too real. I spent the rest of the night comforting Anathi as she cried. None of us could sleep in our fearful, shaky state of mind.

Lupar 5th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

We stopped receiving letters for about three days after my last entry. But when I was in the kitchen and Anathi was washing up, that’s when I heard it. That’s when I heard a dripping behind me. I froze for a moment. When I mustered up the courage to turn around, I saw nothing there. For a brief second an overwhelming sense of relief washed over me. But that’s when I noticed a puddle on the floor. Suddenly my muscles tensed again and the deep feeling of fear came back. I noticed the water trailed off out into the hallway. I cautiously followed, expecting to find nothing like last time. But it didn’t stop. After a couple of seconds I saw the water trail lead to the wash room; wear Anathi was. My heart raced as I opened the wooden door with an unnerving creak.

I was numbed by overwhelming emotions. I didn’t see Kalina, but I saw Anathi. She was laying there in the bath, her skin frosty and her head fully submerged. The features emotionless and her eyes wide open. She was dead. There was a letter by the side of the bath, I hesitantly picked it up. It was difficult to read through my teary eyes. But I could make out the large childish writing easy enough.

I’M NOT ALONE NOW.

Lupar 11th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

I now find I am waiting for the letters that no longer come. Why would she send letters? She is no longer alone. But I am. I haven’t been outside for a long time. I have made no effort to remove Anathi’s body from the unusually icy bath. I haven’t eaten for days, life seems meaningless now.

Phaestian 4th, 684 AF.

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Dear Journal,

This will be my last entry. I am tired of being alone. I want Kalina and Anathi back. That’s not possible now. As I sit here with this dagger I am scared, but I know what I must do. I don’t expect anyone will find us for quite a while in this house. But now I won’t be alone.

Kalina, I will be there soon.

Phaestian 6th, 684 AF.