Alice and the Black Boar

By: Kirrh Posted on: April 30, 2004

--An old Theran folk tale I had the pleasure of hearin' told by a mystical talkin' chick in Thera. 'Tis all true, the baby chicken informed me, and I'm inclined to believe him...--

Alice and the Black Boar

There was once a small girl who lived in Thera with her father. This girl's name was Alice, and she and her father happily raised chickens (Yes, the chickens were happy too). One day, Alice's father said, "Alice, Handel down in Shallam is running out of eggs to feed the poor orphans. Can you take this very large basket filled with eggs to him, please?"

"Of course, Daddy," Alice replied, for she was a good little girl.

"Thank you," her father smiled. "Now, be careful, and remember to be very cautious. Those eggs are fragile, and some people, especially those newbies over in Minia and Lodi, might try to attack you."

"Don't worry, Daddy," Alice reassured him. "I'll be fine." For on one of her past trips carrying eggs, Alice had been sent to Swordmaster Colbey, who in gratitude showed her how to properly use the weapon most befitting a little girl-- a Delosian Bastard Sword.

And so Alice set off, pulling up her bright green hood, picking up the colorful basket filled with eggs, and gripping her Bastard Sword tightly.

Now, Alice had two choices. She could head southeast, past Minia, Delos, and Lodi, or she could go southwest, past the Black Forest and the Great Rock, through the Pachacacha river, and across the Vashnar Mountain Range.

Hmmm, Alice thought. A difficult decision. The people in Minia and Lodi had sent her to Lord Sarapis' Halls her more than once, but the Vashnars were also dangerous, and she remembered that one time she'd taken a wrong turn into Mhaldor... On the other hand, she wanted to say hello to Sethrin, and pay a visit to Colbey to ask him about a new technique she had been thinking about, but she also wished to talk to Lotash and help Ann down in Jaru find her kitten who was always running away...

Aha! Alice thought triumphantly. I'll go both ways! She would take the Old Road there, she decided, and the Raphaelan and Prelatorian Highways back.

And so Alice set out, but before even reaching the road, she found that it was impossible to carry both her sword and the basket. Thinking for a moment, she managed to stuff the very large basket of eggs into the bag of stasis her father had given her for her birthday. She continued on her journey, humming happily as she wielded her very large sword. Little Alice passed North of Thera without incident, and waved to Seasone as she passed the refiller's hut. That's when she ran into trouble. As she was walking along past the Black Forest, someone started to attack her with a whip. She couldn't see the person, and if she had attacked back, she knew the eggs in her bag would most likely be damaged, so she instead ran into the Forest.

On the positive side, she seemed to have lost her attacker. On the negative side, she seemed to be completely and utterly lost in the Black Forest. "Okay, stop and think, Alice," she told herself. "If I keep going south, I'm bound to hit the river at some point, right? Right. So I just need to figure out which way is south..."

"Talkin' to yerself is a bad ‘abit, ya know. Beginnin's of insanity an' all that." Alice turned to the gruff voice, but saw only a large black boar standing by a tree. "Starin' is rude, or didn't no one tell ya that'un?" the boar grunted, snorting at her.

"You can talk?" she gaped at the boar.

"Well gee, didja fig're that'un out on yer own?"

Talking boars aren't all that common, Alice thought to herself. In fact, I've never heard of one before. Best not to make an enemy of him, I think... "I'm sorry if I, uh, offended you in any way, sir... Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Anyting you c'do fer me? Not ‘ardly. But may'ap I c'do someting fer ye..."

"For me?" Alice asked. She thought that was what the boar had said, anyway... He had the strangest accent.

"Aye. Ye found me, I'm obliga'ed t'grant ye fur wishes." The boar didn't sound happy.

"Four wishes?"

"Tha's wha I said," he grumbled. "Now ‘urry up and wish."

Alice looked around, pondering. "What if I don't know what I want to wish for yet?" she asked the boar. "Do I have to make the wishes now?"

"I s'pose not. When ye ‘ave a wish, just call m'name an' I'll come an' grant yer wish."

"What is your name, sir?"

"Ye think it's gonna be that easy?" the black boar snorted again. "Yer gonna ‘ave t'make me tell ye."

Smart boar, Alice admitted. "Fine then. My first wish is for you to tell me your name."

"‘arry."

"I'm sorry, what? Arry?"

"No, no," the boar grumbled. "M'name is ‘arry."

"Oh, Harry?" Alice realized.

"Yes, ‘arry. Ye've tree wishes left now."

"Okay, thank you, Harry. I don't know what I'll wish for yet, so I guess I'll be on my way... If I can figure out which way is mine..." Alice waved to Harry, who grunted back, and was about to start walking when she noticed a small mushroom sprouting from the forest floor. "Ooh, that looks good, and I am hungry," she said, ignoring Harry's earlier comments about talking to oneself. She picked the mushroom and looked at it, then nodded.

"Dun eat that, ye stupid li'le--" But Harry was too late. Alice popped the fungus into her mouth and subsequently went pop herself.

Alice spluttered in the water for a moment in shock before coming to her senses. Treading water the way her father had taught her, she called out, "Harry!"

The black boar appeared next to her and floundered around for several seconds before disappearing and returning again, this time above the water. Alice gaped at the black wings he had sprouted from seemingly nowhere.

"Ye called?" Harry grunted with resignation.

"Harry, where are we? And why?"

"That mushroom ye ate." Suddenly Alice remembered something Lotash had once told her.

"Don't tell me that was one of the Bopalopia mushrooms!" she cried, cursing her stupidity.

"A'right," Harry snuffled agreeably, "I won' tell ye."

Alice sighed. "My sword is going to get all rusty now, I'll have to clean it at home... Fine, Harry, I have another wish. I don't seem to be getting anything right today, so can you just get me to Handel in Shallam, please?"

"O'course," Harry snorted, and with a poof, Alice was standing in the Chamber of Celestial Harmony in the Chrysalis Basilica in Shallam.

Handel looked startled, but smiled. "Well, hello, Alice. How are you today? Other than completely soaked, that is... Is it raining outside?"

"I'm well, thank you, and no, it's not raining, I just, uh, fell into a lake." Alice smiled back, sheathing her sword and retrieving the very large basket of eggs from her bag of stasis. "My Daddy sent these for you and the choir." She gave the basket to Handel.

"Why thank you!" Handel exclaimed. "I was running quite low. Is there anything I can do for you, Alice? We have plenty of dry clothes."

She was about to reply, but instead yelped and jumped half a foot into the air and several feet backwards and unsheathed her sword again as a large raven poofed into existence an inch from her face, staring right at her.

"Where's Harry?" the raven cawed harshly.

"What?" Alice gasped out, trying to regain her breath and a normal heart rate.

"Harry, ya fool, Harry!"

"Right ‘ere, an' ye're th'fool, ‘aka." Harry popped into existence behind Alice.

"May I ask," Handel interrupted reasonably, "what's going on here?"

The raven, Haka, ignored him. "Ya idiot!" she screamed at Harry. "Ya actually went to Bopalopia! How stupid can one boar get?"

"She called me... I had t'go..." Harry grunted uneasily.

"Not to Bopalopia! There's a reason that's an exception to our obligations!"

"Uh, excuse me, but what's wrong with Bopalopia?" Alice asked with a timidness that didn't match the very large Delosian Bastard Sword she held in both hands.

"It's a chaotic plane," Haka explained. "It does strange things to our powers."

"Who is ‘our'?" Handel inquired.

"Well, no one knows ‘xactly where we're from, but there's me an' ‘aka, then there's Albent th'wolverine an' Jan th' bear, an' a few oter's I dun know."

"Listen, girl, I want ya to make a wish," Haka said to Alice. "Something reasonable, small even. There's no other way to see if he's okay."

"Uh, okay. Harry, my third wish is for my sword and sheath to be dry so nothing rusts," Alice requested.

Then with a poof, the four of them found themselves standing on a rooftop getting sprinkled by the spray from the Aeraithian waterfall. Haka cursed. "Yup, there's something wrong alright. Harry, how do ya feel?" But the boar just looked up, snorted, then went back to rooting around the thatched rooftop. Haka swore again. "Everyone be silent," she ordered. "I need to concentrate."

After several minutes Haka flapped her wings in agitation. "He's been reduced to a simple pet." She looked at Alice. "He's loyal to ya now, but he can't do anything of his own free will now, including granting wishes. There's only one hope..." Haka swiftly dove at Alice and settled on the girl's shoulder. "Make another wish. Yes, I know it's your last wish, but this is more important, isn't it?"

Alice nodded emphatically, thinking. "Alright, Harry, my last wish... I wish we were back at the Basilica."

With yet another poof, the four were back in Handel's chamber. Harry snorted and shook himself. "That was ‘orrid," he grunted.

"Harry, shut up and let me see if you're okay," Haka ordered. "Well," she crowed after examining him thoroughly, "You're mostly okay,"

"Mos'ly?" Harry narrowed his beady black boar eyes.

"The good news is that ya have most of your free will back and that ya can grant wishes again. The bad news is that you're still loyal to Alice." Haka stated, then began to preen herself.

"Loyal?" Harry snorted angrily. "So I ‘ave t'follow ‘er around? An' grant ‘er wishes whene'er?"

"Pretty much," Haka confirmed. "Which means that I have to follow ya to make sure nothing goes wrong."

"Alice," Handel said softly, not wanting to interrupt the animals' conversation, "perhaps you should be getting home. It's rather late."

"Yes, I know, but..." Alice trailed off, looking at the boar and raven.

"But?" Handel urged.

"Hm. Nothing. Harry, I'm going home now. If you're coming, then come. Same goes for you, Haka." The two stared at Alice for a moment. Then Harry grunted.

With a now familiar poof, Alice found herself back home with Haka still on her shoulder and Harry standing behind her. "You know," she pondered aloud, "if you two are going to live here, it's going to get rather cramped." There was another grunt, and another poof, and an utterly startled yell from her father as the house expanded around him.

"Well, I c'say one ting, kid," Harry grumbled, looking up at Alice. "Life certa'ly won' be borin' anymore..."