The Shrubb (or The Perils of Atheism)

By: Xaviere Posted on: February 07, 2004

Whence I came from fair Delos

After a night of alcoholic gluttonie,

‘Twas off arduous Prelatorian I came across

A curious sight of profound mysterie.

A cavern of gloom exquisite

Saturated all light visible,

But the object I spi'd right front of it

Was all forlorn inedible.

With leaf shivering soundlie in zephyr dance

And shoot wav'd in silent voice,

Its serenitie held me in deep entrance,

Its quiet frame Nature did rejoice.

I approach'd with prudent touch

To see this sight that was most queer,

So it was this that I greeted such,

"Proud Shrubberie, why art thou here?"

To this, the Foliage did not stir

As was its nature as a plant

But yet I press'd, and then strangely came a purr

Which describ'd this greenerie's present slant.

"Fair Lady," said it, ungender'd as yet,

"I dare not speak of my current plight,

As of that, madam, I would rather forget

And should prefer that you left my sight."

To be spoken like this gave much dismay

As this bush had much affront

To insinuate or even to say

That I was a nosy little runt.

So answered I, "Proud Shrubberie,

What brings on this tone of rustle?

Why does a plant spout animositie

From each little root to leafy muscle?"

"Fair Lady," the flowerless fiend did speak,

"I wish you would cease asking so.

Desist what you so dearly seek;

Please, would you shut up and just go?"

"Thine tongue is foul," I pointed out,

"Nature's nectar tainted through,

Is thy root afflicted with painful gout

Or art thou sick with Shallamese ‘flu?"

"Fair Lady," the earth-bound entity did note,

"My illness is not due to some disease.

My present state in this green coat

Was my fault from a rather sad misdeed."

At this I paus'd, and smil'd wryly,

For the Shrubb's plight seem'd quite common,

Despite it beginning rather shyly,

I knew it was a problem to do with a woman.

"Fair Lady," the jaded species did reply,

With some floral anger, I must admit,

"What causes you to ask me why

I sit down here with stem tightly knit?"

To this I said, "What right had she

To change all of thee in these present states,

If that woman was one like me

I would have said, "We could be mates!"

"Fair Lady," said the Shrubb, rather loudly,

"My crime is nothing to do with the fairer sex,

If it was, I would sit here more proudly,

With my deed not imprinted in eternal fiery text."

"Then damn them who did it!" I suddenly cried,

Without any knowledge of the Shrubb‘s cause,

"Thou surely canst not so far have lied,

So what didst thou do? Tell me what it was!"

"I called Sarapis a clot

And Clementius a sot,

And Aeyr -

Well, let's just not go there.

I got in a fight

With the Mistress of Night

And ruin'd Ourania's hair."

I was slanted by the so-called Lord of Evil

For supposedly being far too feeble,

So I wrote a rather derogatory letter

To Indrani to tell Her She could‘ve done better.

Now call me silly

Or a gregarious filly,

But I can't decide which One is wetter.

That Neraeos wants to make me flip,

Sailing across the sea in His inflated ship,

And what about Phaestus and His oversized hammer?

Waving it like an advertisement banner!

And Eris and Pandora,

Like Mother, like Daughter,

Are the epitome of tiresome manner.

Let's not talk about Lupus and Demeter,

Whose every single proverbial creature

Was sent to torment me eternally

From head to toe most infernally.

I'm not a big Mithraea fan

Since that horrid tan

Which ruined a major facial feature.

In Shallam sits Pentharian,

Slacking about with Lorielan,

And Scarlatti lies about,

With Selene no doubt,

While Matsuhama bashes

And Thoth slashes,

It made me want to scream and shout!

What is the point of these Divine also-ran,

With Prospero waving His big fat wallet,

I really don't know what to call it,

It's all a dream, just Valnuranan!"

Suddenlie, without a moment's pause,

The next few seconds were rather shocking,

As cerulean lightning from Divine shores

Soon ceas'd the saucy Creature's mocking.

I glanc'd up in great confusion

And spi'd a sight of much furie,

To see every God and not an illusion,

Egads! They were judge and jurie!

So the lesson that I learnt whence I came across,

After a night of alcoholic gluttonie,

Far from the place that was fair Delos,

I concluded when I reach'd sobrietie.

Unless thou art looking to push the Garden bound

By suggesting things causing godly fuss,

Painting so that the celestial frown‘d,

Know that a God is for life, not for Logosmas.