Gnaash the Troll and the Giant Potpie: An Achaean Adventure Story

By: Lleia Posted on: April 29, 2006

Once upon a time, just the other night, a great rumbling was heard throughout all of Cyrene. So large were the loud vibrations that the bells in the towers clanged together and joined in the cacophony with the startled cries of the citizens who were disturbed by such a quake. The tides of Lake Muurn were pushed back for a moment and came sloshing back on the shore to swallow up the fish they had sudden left behind. Blu's sleepy head perked up out from the coil of his tail for a brief second before disappearing again to resume his nap. No one but two knew what had caused the loud tremor. The one the commotion had come from was a troll known as Gnaash. He was lauded as the hungriest troll in Sapience and so, he was used to his stomach growling irritably for food. But this was unlike anything he had experienced before. Both he and Lleia, his petite (by comparison) new wife who was using his tummy for a pillow, sat bolt upright when the huge hunger heralded itself.

"My goodness! What was that!?" Lleia yelled, rubbing at her ear that was ringing.

"Gnaash stomach roar, little flower," he replied.

"What?" she asked, unable to hear him.

"Gnaash say, Gnaash stomach ROAR!" he yelled to her, emphasizing the last word in remaining awe of what his body had just done.

"Quite so!" she agreed and hurried downstairs to make some breakfast for him. She hummed as she worked, making two dozen eggs, twenty strips of bacon, a gallon of fresh squeezed orange juice and thirty apple cinnamon pancakes with the quick efficiency of an energetic new wife who is very secure in her cooking abilities. Following the yummy smells that drifted up from the kitchen, Gnaash sniffed his way down to hug her from behind and kiss her softly on the cheek as all good new husbands do when they are being pampered.

The meal went fast and with a hearty burp and a pat of his tummy, Gnaash sat back with a happy smile. "Lleia make good food!" he complimented her proudly but, even as he did so, the smile slid from his face and another earth-shaking growl issued from his generously sized torso. Eyes wide with amazement, they both gazed at each other in a positive flabbergast. "I think you need a much bigger meal, love," she shouted at him. Realizing she was mostly deaf now, she touched her mindseye tattoo and repeated herself more softly. The large troll nodded and looked despairingly at his protruding stomach.

"Gnaash no understand. Lleia good cook. Fill Gnaash up but now all empty!" His glittering black eyes looked sadly up at his wife. She smiled softly in return and knelt beside him. After wiping her hands on her apron, she slipped her tiny hand into his larger one.

"It's not your fault but something seems wrong. We should go see what we can do to fill up that healthy inside of you." She kissed his cheek and helped him stand with much grunting and pulling on her part.

And so, off the two went in search of a bigger, better and more filling meal for the seemingly black void inside of the large troll.

Now it should be known that the real problem with Gnaash was that a hex had been placed upon him! So terrible was this hex that unless the cure was found, he would be eternally hungry until he ate himself to death. Since many, many people loved our dear troll, it wouldn't be very prudent for such a thing to happen. And thus, this adventure was to be one of great proportion, in more than one way, mind you.

Perhaps a digression would be advisable. One that would take us readers back to a few days previous to the morning of the quaking, shaking tummy rumble. Gnaash was stomping around the swamp hunting bog hounds and whacking them quite hard upon the head with his gigantic troll club. The satisfying thunks and horrific, short yelps that followed is what brought Haag, the swamp witch, out to investigate. This was -her- swamp and she had no intention of sharing it with any unsavory character that may cause such racket when she was trying to attend to her newest recipe of crisped bat wing with newt eye sauce and a side of bog hound stew. You see, she belonged to a little known club called the Sapience Cooking Circle, or SCC for short.

Well it should be no surprise that when the crone caught sight of the extremely handsome troll, for trolls are very good looking as a rule which you would know if you had ever seen one, she fell completely for the generously-sized blob in shining armour. Oh wasn't he the dreamiest, trolliest troll she had ever seen, she thought to herself. Running back inside and nearly tripping over the clutter in her small hut, Haag waddled over to the smudged mirror to try and straighten the wild gray hair. She sprayed a bottle of something that smelled suspiciously like swamp gas at her neck and wrists. With a final glance over, she decided she was ready to seduce this troll that was in her swamp.

Gnaash was picking up another bog hound and snickering to himself when the witch stepped out from behind a tree and screamed "BOO!" happily, nearly startling him to death.

"Witch scare Gnaash!" he said with a grunt.

"I am sorry, young troll, but I couldn't resist. It is in my nature to scare others since I'm so hideously ugly." She looked (or tried to look) coyly at Gnaash and flutter her lashes alluringly. Her warty lip stuck out in a pout that more resembled a grimace and it was obvious she was fishing for a compliment that never came. Not to be put off, the witch circled the large being with a hungry gaze.

"So, you are in my bog and making so much ruckus that I think all of my pets ran away. Give me one good reason why I should not turn you into a newt this very instant?" Her ugly hooked nose was thrust so close to Gnaash's that his handsome gray complexion began to turn green from her 'perfume'. And, despite her aggressive words, she tried to poof up her limp, oily hair. Gnaash took a few steps back as he was taken quite off guard. "Because Gnaash little flower at home waiting and house is going to need strong rapier for bardlet." He looked hopefully at the witch whom merely sniffed mournfully.

"Love. Hmph! Love is not a good reason but weapons for destruction is!"

She hobbled around him and began to trudge through the swamp goo. "You may go," she growled over her shoulder at him and cackled at his obvious relief. Waving a dismissive hand, she made a great show of leaving and as the young but sizeable troll lumbered away, she mumbled a few words and hexed him with a stomach that could never be full! If she could not feel whole inside, then no one could.

Oh, this witch was definitely not one to scorn when she made advances of romantic nature to be sure! But our young Gnaash is a good hearted and innocent troll with all of the trusting tendencies of youth. So, now that you, the good reader, has been filled in on a very necessary part of the story, we continue on with our present day troubles.

It was easy for Gnaash and Lleia to make very good time across the continent. Gnaash held an amazing sense of direction, especially when following his nose to some morsel to eat, and Lleia provided all the amenities to traverse quickly over water with her trusty companion Puddles, her water weird.

Sometimes holding hands, sometimes with Lleia riding piggy back but mostly walking side by side, looking very much like two heroic young people on a mission, they made good time but, they were not without their obstacles. The first snag in their journey came as they passed the Black Forest. It was not unexpected if one knew what resided near that area but for Lleia, who was still naive and unsure in the world, it was an astounding shock for her when a curvaceous and hippy prostitute blew a kiss to her sweet spouse. In fact, she merely gaped, wide eyed, at the bold woman who swayed her way around the handsome troll and invited him to ditch Lleia and come with her. (The manner seemed similar to the Swamp Witch and had Lleia seen the first, she would have remarked how similar in appearance they were.) It was the taunting, challenging wink thrown at the small tsol'aa like a slap that finally snapped her out of her shock and into a temper that had not yet been seen by anyone that knew the slight little elf.

In an action so fast, Lleia exerted her will to craft an elemental staff, wielded it high above her like an avenging angel would her sword and began to burn the poor witless whore with summoned fire. Fire was ice followed by acid, which made Lleia grin with the wickedest pleasure, and finally lightening, causing the girl to scream as her eyeballs exploded and she fell dead on the ground.

It was Gnaash's turn to gape as his little wife stood over the dead prostitute, panting and fuming with righteous fury. Grabbing his index finger firmly within her own (which was much easier than grabbing his wrist or hand), she tugged him back into movement.

"Little flower did no need kill girl. Gnaash only love one. No would have gone." He spoke softly in part awe and part pity. Lleia merely hmphed and muttered the rest of the smoldering fuse of her temper down until it fizzled out to nothing. Stopping at the Crystal Leaf Inn, as Gnaash ate the entire Inn out of its wares, she apologized for her rash behavior. After cleaning out Cherry's current supply of ale, they headed out again to traverse over the far stretching Dardanic grasslands.

It wasn't long until an alluring scent caught Gnaash's troll nose and pulled him along unerringly to its source.

"Gnaash smell potpie, little flower," he grunted happily as he lead the way. If it weren't for her elvishly long legs, she would only be able to keep up if he were to carry her.

Before long, the couple came to the massive cave of the giants where there, resting on a windowsill to cool, was the largest, hugest, most humongeous potpie that there ever could be in existence. It was the length of six Savannah cows placed front to end and it was as tall as four of them placed one atop the other. The scent and sight of it set the loveable troll into a grunting frenzy the likes of which Lleia had never seen.

"Gnaash must have potpie!" The words came as if from someone in a trance and a trail of drool marked the path of the quickly moving Gnaash to the window. Lleia used more caution and looked around for giants as she sprinted after her sweetheart.

After much grunting and climbing, Gnaash finally pulled himself up onto the windowsill where the potpie cooled. The crust was golden and buttery and thick peppered gravy bubbled up out of the slits cut in the top. Heat came off of it in waves, chapping any exposed skin almost instantly. Licking his lips, Gnaash paced, trying to wait as long as he could before digging into that big, delicious-smelling potpie. As he paced and drooled and licked his lips, Lleia finally caught up and looked in awe at the massive dish.

"That's one big pie," she whispered. Catching Gnaash's arm, she held him still a moment. "Don't you think you ought to ask before you take some?" "Gnaash too hungry to wait! Only will take a little. Giant no notice!" he reasoned with her and without further ado, he climbed over the lip of the somewhat cooler potpie dish and dove in to begin eating.

Gnaash ate and ate and ate and ate and the noise that came when he ate was like the roar of a den of hungry lions. Lleia fretted within the shadow of the dish and waited for when he would finish. She prayed to the Lady Ourania to cast a shadow on them both so that they were not caught. But, it was not to be for the Lady Moon cannot work always Her blessings before moonrise and it was only mid afternoon.

The cacophony of the eating troll caused a dull rumble but it was drowned out by a sudden, loud and rumbling scream of anger.

"You ate my pie!!" the mother giant bellowed. Gnaash looked up from licking the last of the gravy from the bottom of the dish and could only stare at the mean and contorted face of the giant. A very big hand reached down and grabbed up the very helplessly rolly polly troll from the now empty dish. "How can one so little eat all of that food?" the giant asked as she examined the distended troll who, consequently, seemed very full and very content. A little poke to his stomach produced a formidable burp that even the lady giant could not deny was impressive.

"Oh how adorable! You remind me of my little junior!" she cooed as she snuggled Gnaash close. Since Gnaash was unable to speak at the moment being squeezed more tightly than was comfortable, Lleia timidly stepped forward and made her presence known.

"Ahem." The voice was quiet and unheard at first. "AHEM!" she shouted then.

"What? Oh! Another little one and smaller than the other!"

"If you don't mind, miss, would you please put my husband down? He's quite fragile once he's just eaten a potpie as big as yours. I'm terribly sorry he did so. I realize the trouble that you probably went through to make it and I'm sure it was quite delicious. It's just that my poor Gnaaash couldn't seem to get full and he followed the lovely aroma to this very windowsill. I've never seen him so hungry!"

The motherly giant laughed a deep rumbly laugh and peered at the still rotund troll rolling about in her palm. "So you're the one that Haag hexed! We heard all about it in the cooking circle. Her hex must have been very strong if you manage to polish off the entire potpie I was intending to feed to my family." With giant gentleness, she put Gnaash down and wiped her hands on her apron. "You need a bath, little one," she laughed.

Gnaash grunted happily and Lleia helped him to stand. She began to lovingly wipe away some of the goop on his armour with the hem of her apron. She rinsed the cloth in Puddles, her water weird, and washed his face so that he could see the joyous relief in her eyes of not being eaten.

"Why witch put hex on Gnaash?" the still very full troll asked.

"Well, few people know this but long ago, Haag had a love that went away to sea but never returned. Since then, she hexes any who rejects her if she happens to take a liking to them. It's said her love was transformed by a bitter, evil witch for the very same thing! But I doubt any thing he might have been changed into would be able to make it back to her. So, she became what she did and does what she does. We ladies in the SCC all think thats a pity but we enjoy her recipes."

"That's sad but it doesn't make her hexing right," Lleia said with an indignant stamp of her foot.

"Lleia and Gnaash go confront her?" he asked his wife.

"Yes, but first we let the potpie digest a little more," she teased as she patted his severely protruding stomach affectionately.

The mother giant grinned, showing a broad, gapped row of yellow teeth. "Your hex should be broken, little troll. My potpies always have a bit of special magic in them to keep my little one well from all the things he may get into when he plays." She winked and said, "Stay as long as you need. I need to make another potpie."

When the mother disappeared, Gnaash and Lleia sat talking quietly until he could move more comfortably and his armour wasn't pressing into his torso. Then, once more, they set out across the Grasslands. Fierce and determined were they! If one were allowed their own personal group of traveling minstrels, they'd be playing a robust march along behind them.

Back to the highway and through the squishy bog to Haag's house they tromped, stomped and tiptoed. When they arrived, Gnaash turned to his little wife. "Ready?" he asked gravely. She nodded and in they went.

Little did they know that Haag's love, a rather big fly that liked to hang around outside of Haag's window, caught the scent of the left over potpie on Gnaash's shoulder and flew in to take a taste. As he sat there feasting, buzzing and enjoying in his fly-ness glory, the couple confronted the witch. "Why would you hex Gnaash? He's done nothing to you! Lleia's voice stung with a hurt but cold anger that was obvious though she spoke calmly. The swamp witch cackled and hopped around, waving the wings of a bat in each gnarled hand. "So you must be the pretty one who took my Gnaash away. You will pay! You will pay!!" (Bards will cringe at this sad display of a cliche of a poetically ill witch and are perfectly permitted to be.)

Showing skills of agility not well known to be possessed by a troll, Gnaash moved in front of Lleia just as Haag let loose with a large glass jar of pyrapede tongues. Curses, hexes, objects and jars of odd body parts and foul smelling concoctions flew with wild accuracy at Lleia but each one was parried, reflected, absorbed, stopped by or bounced off of the corpulent form of the protective troll.

Angry, with hair flying wildly and eyes flashing dangerously, Haag wound up for the most awful and gruesome curse ever known to Sapience: the Frog curse! (Ye traveling minstrels would play a very foreboding and suspenseful measure of music here if they but were present.)

Just as she cocked her shriveled arm back to deliver the spell, a loud and smoky 'POOF!' clouded the room. An 'OOMPH' and the clatter of armour and falling bodies was heard. Once the smoke cleared, an old man with large buggy eyes was standing there looking quite amazed which made his eyes pop even more.

Everyone froze except for Gnaash whom just had a man appear on his shoulder. Haag looked at the man and the man looked at her and then, something more disgusting than the Frog curse took place and really, I shouldn't record the event as it may give children nightmares but, as an author, it is my job to record things the way they were. And then ... the man and Haag kissed. It wasn't a friendly kiss you give to your mother on the cheek or one you'd give to on someone's forehead. No, this was a deep and passionate kiss that only true loves get to experience. It is theorized that if Gnaash's hex had not been broken, he would have lost his appetite.

"L'amor!" Haag cried out as she embraced him. He let her hug him for a moment before gently pulling away.

"My darling Haag, it has been so long and we've both changed so much. I'm sorry I couldn't return to you but I watched over you as I could in my form." He caressed her gray and wrinkled cheek. "But now I'm back and I'm not sure I want to be with you." He frowned as a look of utter sadness came over her. "Not if you're going to hex young men for not wanting to be with you."

Haag collapsed in his arms and sobbed. "I'm sorry! I was just so lonely! I don't want to be without you anymore."

Smiling sadly, he nodded slowly. "I cannot stay in this form. The spell on me is very strong and the magic that brought me back was very little. I'm afraid...†A look of horror suddenly crossed his face and amid another smoky poof, the rest of the sentence was only a nagging buzz.

Tears welled up in Haag's eyes until a look of triumph crossed her face. Among a flurry of movement, the swamp witch dismissed them both distractedly with a mumbled "sorry". Gnaash and Lleia stood there, probably still petrified from the kiss they had witnessed, and watched as she mixed a few disgusting ingredients, drank down the black goo they yielded, and POOFED right out of existence. Well, to say she poofed out of existence wasnt correct. She, in fact, had turned herself into a fly and landed on the warm windowsill where another particularly bulgy eyed fly was already sitting.

And so, it's the end of the story and many will wonder what happened to all the characters in their lives and so I will tell you. The mother giant made another potpie and found a new place for it to cool, away from the window. Gnaash and Lleia returned to Cyrene to their home and enjoyed many more adventures together. Haag meanwhile keeps a certain fly transfiguring spell handy to enjoy the company of her long lost sweetheart. So, if you see her missing once in awhile, thats probably where she is. I would say that all lived happily ever after, but, you never know what the future will bring. It may just so happen that another rumble may shake all of Cyrene, clanging the bells together and heralding another very hungry day for a certain citizen troll. So, the moral of the story is to hang on to your potpies, especially if they are six Savannah cows wide and four deep, made with just a touch of magic.